One year ago today, I experienced an incredible loss. It was a loss that felt like it wouldn’t end. For days, I was sitting numb in my tears. For weeks, I felt raw, cut open in the heart. For months, I didn’t know how to move forward. And now it’s been a year, and that numbness is present.
I miscarried my third baby at five weeks on September 6th, 2018. One year ago, time stood still. Then it sped up and this year has gone by remarkably fast.
One thing I think most women want after a miscarriage is to get pregnant and to carry a healthy baby full term. I couldn’t even bring myself to even think about getting pregnant again for months afterwards. It was a long transition to feel like myself again. Because I wasn’t myself. And I’m not now. I changed. I am a new person. This is now part of me and my family’s story.
I recently listened to a popular interview between news anchor Anderson Cooper and comedian and host Stephen Colbert. They both experienced loss of parents so they bonded immensely together. Two quotes from their talk stood out to me. The first is from Anderson Cooper who said "Grief is a strange thing in the sense that we all experience it and yet we rarely talk about it. “
I’m here to talk about it! It’s tough. Stephen Colbert also said in this interview "I think when you meet someone who has had a loss, you have two options. One is to say, I'm sorry for your loss which is a perfectly lovely thing to do. But if you can share your experience, then they're not alone.”
I wept listening to this interview. Knowing you’re not alone in a tough situation can get us through these kind of difficult situations. If you’ve miscarried, you’re not alone. Share your story. Share it with me if you want. One thing Satan loves to do is make us feel isolated - that we are completely alone and that no one else has gone through what we’re going through. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. The way we don’t feel isolated is by opening up and sharing even when it’s hard. I’m so grateful for people who have gone before me and shared their struggles and their stories so I wouldn’t have to feel alone.
One year later and the pain is very real. Things have changed with me however. I am pregnant again. 20 weeks exactly which is incredible. Being half way through my pregnancy on the first anniversary of my 3rd baby’s death is bittersweet. I am still mourning but looking forward to meeting my fourth baby on earth in January. My fourth baby doesn’t replace the baby that I lost. I am so grateful that I have been able to carry our baby for this long and can’t wait for the day where we meet him or her (in case you’re wondering, we won’t find out the gender until the day they’re born!).