Thoughts on my Recent Miscarriage - Part 2

Part 2 of 2 (read part one here)

Let me set the record straight. As a believer, I do not believe for one second that God took this baby away from me. I don’t believe he/she was “too beautiful to be on earth” or that “God wanted another flower for his garden” or an “another angel in Heaven.” No. God’s word says His plans for us are to “prosper you and not to harm you…” (Jeremiah 29:11) and John 10:10 says “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Eric Matthews from Boy Meets World said very (in) famously, “Life’s tough, get a helmet.” So true. I just wasn’t ready for this. 

I never watched an episode of Dawson’s Creek but somehow, I follow James Van Der Beek on Instagram. He and his wife have five kids. 

The day I woke up after I miscarried, he timely wrote this: 

“Wanted to say a thing or two about miscarriages... of which we’ve had three over the years (including right before this little beauty). First off - we need a new word for it. “Mis-carriage”, in an insidious way, suggests fault for the mother - as if she dropped something, or failed to “carry.” From what I’ve learned, in all but the most obvious, extreme cases, it has nothing to do with anything the mother did or didn’t do. So let’s wipe all blame off the table before we even start.

Second... it will tear you open like nothing else. It’s painful and it’s heartbreaking on levels deeper than you may have ever experienced. So don’t judge your grief, or try to rationalize your way around it. Let it flow in the waves in which it comes, and allow it it’s rightful space. And then... once you’re able... try to recognize the beauty in how you put yourself back together differently than you were before. Some changes we make proactively, some we make because the universe has smashed us, but either way, those changes can be gifts. Many couples become closer than ever before. Many parents realize a deeper desire for a child than ever before. And many, many, many couples go on to have happy, healthy, beautiful babies afterwards (and often very quickly afterwards - you’ve been warned 😍). I’ve heard some amazing metaphysical explanations for them, mostly centering around the idea that these little souls volunteer for this short journey for the benefit of the parents... but please share whatever may have given you peace or hope along the way... Along with a new word for this experience.”

I have never felt like this was my fault but yes, we need a different word that doesn’t indirectly blame the mother. I really cannot bring myself to say the word, “miscarriage.” It hurts too much. I avoid it at all costs. 

It happened so fast. It was a whirlwind. It’s a grief like no other. A tiny baby died inside of my body. Every time I bled, I wondered if my baby was exiting my body. I bled for nine straight days. And I’m not sure which day when my baby left my body to meet Jesus. 

I’m heartbroken. There’s a constant lump in my throat. I am on the verge of crying. There is a pit in the bottom of my stomach. 

Today, October 15th, is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I had no idea this day even existed until it popped up in my Pinterest feeds. 

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I pitched my idea of naming our baby to Troy one night. I don’t think he had thought about it. I had heard about people doing this before and I knew if we did it, it would make this whole situation feel more “real.” So I didn’t want to do it but I knew this would help my grieving process. 

We threw around several unisex names. Of course, we can never agree on anything but we both really loved the name Micah. It fits with our name theme of our kids names ending with an “ah” sound. Micah means “who is like our God?” Taylor means “to cut” which seems very literal but we love the name. 

I am still grieving. I am still raw. I wish that after a month, the pain would have lessened. It hasn’t.

The tears are still flowing. The lump in my throat is constant. Random things still trigger my heart wrenching sadness. I feel empty. Empty physically literally. Empty emotionally. 

I’m learning to push through the pain and move forward. For myself, my kids, husband. I’m back at work. Back to serving behind the scenes at my church. Back to making dinner. 

Although my grief and pain is still very much present, I know my baby couldn’t be happier. He/she knew no pain. Just love. Love from our creator. I’m grateful for our Lord.

I pray to God that this is the only time in my life that this happens to me. 

One of my friends who doesn’t have kids, texted me and said that she thought it was cool that I shared my experience online [a few days on FB & IG after we found out]. She said she had friends who had similar situations and felt so alone. I never, for one second, felt alone. I never felt that I was the only one who had this happened. I know women have gone before me and women will come after me. I know friends and family who have had this happened to them too. 

I can’t fathom not sharing. Not for my glory but for my release.

I thought about it and it feels like a vicious cycle for those. Many women don’t share their pregnancies in fear that something like this could happen. Most of the time, everything is fine. And 1 out of 4 times, a miscarriage or stillbirth happens. Then those women that didn’t share their pregnancies are now hiding their miscarriage. Now, they are alone, sharing their pain with themselves and concealing their sorrows. How lonely. I’m not saying you need to reveal your pregnancy as soon as the digital test reads “pregnant.” That’s your business. If you do miscarry, don’t hold it in. You don’t need to blog or tell the world about it either but let some confidants know. Let those that have paved the way (and grieved properly) to help you process it. To pray with you. Pray for you. I am still having a hard time praying for myself, let alone anyone else but one day, I will pray and grieve with you. 

Bear with me as I struggle trying to find a new normal. Losing a baby has cut me deep. It may look like a bandaid on a cut but it’s much deeper than that.

I am so grateful for the Lord and for the gift of eternal life and I am so excited to see our little one some day.