Thoughts on my Recent Miscarriage - Part 1

Part 1 of 2

I wasn’t prepared for this. 

Yes, this could happen to me. But, I never thought this would happen to me.

Be warned - these blog posts will feature inserts from random 90 sitcom stars and kinda graphic info on pregnancy and miscarriages. It will be lengthy but well, that’s the only way I know how to write. One of my best friends recently wrote about miscarriage (of which she has had 3) and she wrote “The more people who speak about miscarriage and loss- the more people who understand it.” So that’s the purpose of my writing: a release for me and for more people to understand it. Because truthfully, before September 6th, I didn’t fully get it. 

A month in and I’m still raw. broken. hurting. wounded. 

I’m just going to be honest. I never thought I would miscarry my third child. Troy and I first got pregnant in January of 2014. That was the first month we ever tried and we were fortunate to get pregnant immediately. We were blessed with the world’s easiest baby, Judah, so we wanted another one right away. Eight months later, we got pregnant again with our daughter, Alexa. Troy could just look my way and we would get pregnant when we wanted. (Is that how babies are born? I’m not sure yet.)

Alexa was a difficult baby. She was tough; everything was hard with her. Breastfeeding was crazy hard (hello, mastitis!). Her colic seemed like it would never end. She was night and day from Judah. Now, she’s 2 1/2 years old and the most easy going, sweetest child ever (especially if she has chocolate in hand). 

I had a really hard time recovering from Alexa’s birth. Postpartum anxiety hit me hard and I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism (pregnancy can trigger it). That’s another story in itself but we didn’t start trying again for two years. Before that, we could snap our fingers and I would be pregnant but for some reason this time, it took awhile. I have no idea why it didn’t happen as quickly as before. 

But finally after six months of trying (I know many couples try for a lot longer), we got pregnant! I could not even believe it. I found out before church on a Sunday morning. Troy is up at like 3am on Sundays so I never see him before service starts at 10am. I was elated. We had a meeting at 9:15am, service at 10am and another lunch meeting at 12pm. It wasn’t until 2pm when I told him. He was overjoyed and couldn’t believe it. 

Of course, I took 3 more tests for a total of 4 by 3 different brands and they all turned up positive. We were SO excited and honestly, just relieved. My parents live 1000 miles away in PA and were coming in less than two weeks to celebrate Judah’s fourth birthday with us. I have never told them in person when I got pregnant so I cannot even tell you how pumped we were to tell them in person. We ordered “big bro” and “big sis” shirts right after I dusted off my box of old maternity clothes.

I made an appointment at a new OBGYN that’s closer to our house since we moved a year ago. I had an appointment for an ultrasound at the end of the month. It didn’t feel real. 

On Thursday, September 6th, I took my kids to preschool then went to work as usual. I picked the kids up and drove home. Everything felt fine. Everything was fine. I went to the bathroom and found it. Blood. More blood. I started shaking and breathing heavy, on the verge of a panic attack. I pleaded with God, “No, God! Please, no!” I put on a pad in case of more blood. I called Troy immediately. I cried, “I started bleeding. It could be nothing. But, I’m bleeding.” and he immediately ran home. As soon as I told him, I kid you not, the flood gates opened outside and it started pouring buckets (hurricane leftovers). He was soaked when he got home. 

We tried to convince ourselves that this wasn’t happening and there could be a million reasons for this. He stayed home from work the rest of the day and I sat quietly on our couch, too fearful to move, just in case. Like somehow sitting still would save my baby. 

But I was in pain with cramps that felt like contractions and blood kept coming. I didn’t want to take any medicine to ease the cramp pain in case everything was ok.

I waited until the morning to call the OBGYN. I told the receptionist that I was terrified I was miscarrying. I held it together as I choked out the word “miscarriage.” She immediately transferred me to a nurse’s line. No one answered and I was forced to leave a “detailed message.” I lost it on the voicemail. I tried to pull it together but my voice cracked and my personal flood gates opened. I felt so bad for the person who was going to hear this message.

What felt like days were only hours when the nurse called back. The nurse said that it was mostly likely that I miscarried. She said I had a few options. I could wait a week and take a pregnancy test and if it was negative and I was done bleeding then that would confirm my miscarriage. Or I could come in right away to do some blood work then go in a few days later and give some more blood. They would compare the levels and see if my hormone levels went down to confirm the miscarriage. I took a shower and went to their office immediately. 

Seeing so many pregnant ladies in the waiting room made my heart break. That.Was.Supposed.To.Be.Me. 

I was constantly bleeding. I was screaming internally. My heart was breaking.

After several days, the blood work confirmed my biggest fear - a miscarriage. 

Although, we had only known we were pregnant for less than a week, we had planned out our lives with this little baby. We were so pumped to have Alexa become a big sister and for Judah to continue on his big brother role. 

I thought miscarrying would be a once and done event. Like, I thought you bled for an hour and then it was over. I didn’t think I would continually bleed and cramp for nine days. 

How am I supposed to move on? How do I carry on with life? To the outside, no-one knows what happened. I feel like I’m a walking wound. Sadness is overwhelming. Grief is my closest friend. Brokenness shoots in waves over my body. There’s a pit in my stomach. A lump in my throat. 

My biggest fear has come true. 

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Read part two here.

How to Make the Most out of Church on Sunday

Sounds simple, right? You might be thinking you’re already doing all these things.

Here are some super practical tips to to get the most out of your weekend worship experience at your church that you may not have thought of before. 

1. I have to start with this one first: commit to going. Do not let your kids decide. Do not let your emotions decide. Do not wait until Sunday morning to see how you feel (your emotions will always tell you that sleep is better). Do not plan on going UNLESS something else comes along. Commit. Do not make excuses. Ask off work. Do not make plans during that time. Make it a priority. Finish your school work, studying, house cleaning, and work at another time. Have a standing appointment on Sunday mornings (or Sunday nights or Saturday nights - whenever your church meets). I have seen an individual miss one Sunday then miss another. Then they miss months and months turn into years. And just because your spouse has a cold doesn’t mean you should just stay home too. You are missing an incredible opportunity to learn and grow. Take your kids who aren’t sick along. 
2. If you attend church on a Sunday morning, get to bed early Saturday night. Troy and I are super careful about what plans we make on Saturday nights. If we plan events, meetings, or dinners, we try to make them for Friday nights or early Saturday evenings. Now, Troy has to get up earlier than most people on Sunday mornings (between 3 & 4am) but regardless, we still make it a point to get to bed early. 
3. Get to church early. If church starts at 11am, you cannot have your alarm set for 10:45am, hit snooze once or twice then speed to church and expect to get the most out of your worship experience. You will be stressed out for trying to make the yellow light, yell at your kids while shoving a granola bar down your mouth (What?! I’ve definitely never done that.). So many churches have fellowship areas that provide coffee, water and maybe even snacks and breakfast items. When you get there early, you can take advantage of that time.
4. If you have kids, check them into your kids ministry. This is so important for a million reasons. This is not just childcare, this is a ministry to them! They are learning at their level. What a gift! It’s so important for them to learn about the Lord and the Bible. In their classrooms, they learn and grow with other kids. This is not just a way for them to grow but for you to grow as their parent. You are letting other women and men of God speak into your kids lives, teaching them, praying for them, encouraging them and reinforcing what you are teaching them at home. There have been maybe three times (maybe) where I have brought my kids into a service and it is beyond stressful to say the very least. I could not pay attention because I was too worried about my child making noise or distracting others. What a blessing and a gift a kids ministry is to a church!
5. Come prepared. Bring your Bible - not just the one on your phone. Bring the one that you use on a daily basis (or weekly or yearly) where you write notes in the margin. And bring a notebook. Take lots of notes. Write down names of worship songs you sang so you can download them later in the week. Write down upcoming events and news from the church announcements. Write down points and verses from the message. Make notes to re-read verses later that week. Write down what you feel like God is telling you through the message and worship. 
6. Leave your phone at home. Or turn it off or leave it in your car. I know, I know, you want to “take notes” on your phone and “look up verses” on Bible app. I can’t tell you how many times I see people texting, Facebooking, Instagraming during church services. What’s worse is when they show their neighbor what they are looking at on Instagram. It can wait. What’s worse than that is when a mom or dad is showing their son or daughter something from social media. My heart literally hurts when I see that. If you are not engaged in the message or worship, that’s completely fine; but, please, don’t distract your neighbor from what God is trying to show them. That is showing them that it’s not important to you. 
7. Greet others. Did you know that you may be the first impression someone gets when they walk into church? Every Sunday there are people who have never been to a church or have haven’t been in years and are filled with anxieties. Look for new people and show them around. Ask them to sit with you. 
8. Do not leave immediately after the service. And definitely don’t leave before service is over. At the end of the service, many churches have a time for fresh starts - where people choose to give their lives to Christ for the first time or maybe they are making a decision to recommit an area of their life to the Lord. If you are leaving to get on the wait list at IHOP, please do not leave in the middle of prayer or during a song at the end. Your impatience could be interrupting someone’s very important, life changing situation. Plus, if you leave immediately you can’t talk to to your friends or new people. 
9. Do the homework from the pastor. Did your pastor tell you to read a book or chapter of the Bible? Did he ask you to pray for someone or a situation? Do it! You will be so much better prepared going into your Sunday worship experiences.

A few more notes. Get involved and serve! If you need to be a member first, ask how to become a member and serve. Tithe regularly. Give above your tithe. Pray for the leadership in your church. Pray for the church’s safety. If you’re out of town, don’t forget to tithe that week to your church. Sit up front!

I could go on and on and I am sure you have some awesome suggestions too. These tips are not completely black and white. I get that you may be on call with your job and need to have your phone out or your toddler needs to sit with you once because you have to leave early because you have family flying into town. And some churches have apps where you follow along the service with your phone. I get it, I have broken all these tips before. Most of these are suggestions but I know you can’t follow them all the time. 

I’ve spoken to so many people around the country who say they are leaving their church because they “aren’t getting anything out of it.” I think that can be true in rare cases but how much are you putting into it? 

I know, I may be stepping on some toes, especially introvert toes who hate when I mention talking to other people. I know, I get it. I am an introvert. Going to church stretches me to my absolute introvert limits. Most of the time, I leave completely mentally exhausted. 

But can I say that it is 100% worth it. It will always be worth it. Jesus is worth it. The kingdom is worth it. Your family is worth it. You are worth it. 

Ephesians 5:25 (NLV) 

“Husbands, love your wives. You must love them as Christ loved the church. He gave His life for it.”

Wow! Jesus gave his life for the church. The Word says that husbands need to love their wives like Christ gave himself up for the church. What an incredible command.

I am super passionate about the local church, not because I am a pastor’s wife but because I am a Christian. I am SUPER blessed that my parents valued church and always made it a priority. When my parents were engaged, they found a church to go to together. That was in 1984. It's 2018 now and they continue to serve, give and worship at that same church faithfully. My parents scheduled work and vacations so that we wouldn’t miss it. 

One thing that absolutely kills me on the inside are church hoppers with kids. They leave a church every few years for whatever reason. Their kids get connected then their parents leave abruptly and now the kids have to start over again. Now, there are absolutely many reasons to leave a church so I am not saying you should never leave. I’m just saying it’s so important to find a church, get connected and plant roots.

I was born at 5:55am on a Sunday morning. My dad went to church a few hours later. True story. Now, I am not saying that’s the right thing to do but it illustrates the point how dedicated my parents are. 

Pastor Bill Hybels says, “the local church is the hope of the world.” And I tend to agree. 

Flying Alone with Two Under Two - Part 2

As the title states, this is part two of this post. Please refer back to part one to read about my experience flying alone with two kids. As I said in my first post, I searched the internet to find any advice and experiences of people that flew alone with two kids under two. I found next to nothing and what I did find was very discouraging so I am offering my advice for the next courageous mom or dad (or aunt, uncle, grandparent, caregiver, etc) who sets out to try this. Here are my advice/suggestions/thoughts on flying alone with two under two.

1) Do NOT psych yourself out. Have a plan (a plan A, B & C) on what would work best for you and your kids but do NOT overthink it and go to worst case scenario in your mind every time. Almost 95% of everyone I talked to about my upcoming trip alone was discouraging. Choose to IGNORE them. If you are brave enough to want to try this then go for it and don't let any Negative Nellie get in your head.

2) Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray some more and then pray again. Then, ask others for prayer. I know, you think I'm joking but I'm not. My trip was kind of last minute (less than a month from time plane tickets were purchased until we took off) but you better believe I prayed as many times as I remembered. My husband and I prayed for safety, for the flights to be on time (are they ever?), for our kids to cooperate, wisdom (LOTS of it. Refer to James 1:5-6) for health (for all of us), etc.

3) Check your bags and pack minimally! Yes, I hate paying baggage fees too but it's 100% worth it. I packed as minimally as I could (since my mom had most things at her house and I borrowed the rest). I carried one small backpack on the plane with me and kept necessities with me (several diapers, wipes, infant Tylenol, Tylenol for me too, small toys [that I didn't care if they got lost], lots and lots of snacks, bottle with breastmilk, change of clothes for both kids, Nalgene sippy cup, etc).

4) Get a direct flight. This was VERY important to me. It may not be for you though. I did not want the hassle of getting off and on ANOTHER plane. I would rather suffer through it all at once.

5) Don't be afraid to ask for help (even from strangers). To be honest, I hate doing this (and most of the time, I don't do it) but I had to rely on others. I had a flight attendant buckle me in and lots of friendly people asked if they could help me and I tried to let them when I could!

6) Think and plan ahead. You don't need a million pieces of clothes for you or your kids. My mom had a Pack 'n Play for my son but we needed a bed for my daughter who was used to sleeping in a Rock n' Play. So I contacted one of my friends back home where I was headed and she let me borrow hers that her daughter had outgrown. It was such a LIFESAVER that I didn't have to buy one while I was home or drag it across the country. She also let me borrow a convertible car seat for my son. My parents brought it when they picked us up from the airport. It was SO nice not to have to bring it across country too. HOWEVER, if I had to do this all over again (my BIGGEST take away) was that I would have brought that car seat on the plane and strapped my son in it. He has been on MANY road trips (over 20,000+ miles combined) and he does great! He would have been super content in the car seat since he's used to it. If you're staying at a hotel at your final destination, call and ask what they offer there for kids for beds (some offer Pack 'n Plays, cribs or cots). If you're staying at a friend or family members house, ask what they have that you don't have to bring along with you. Bring a few diapers and buy the rest there. Don't forget to check with the specific airlines and airports about what kind/how much liquids you can take on the plane (I had no problem carrying breastmilk, extra bottles and my son's water cup with us). Cover your bases; only you know what those are.

Would I do this again now that my kids are a little older (Judah is now 2 1/2 and Alexa is 15 months)? Probably! Judah is still not completely potty trained so it might be easier now than we when he is 100% potty training and having to get up every few minutes. I would definitely want to find a harness to strap Judah in or bring his carseat (although it's very bulky). I would bring lots and lots of snacks like last time. Now, my son is super into electronics (he's obsessed with Paw Patrol, Blaze and the Monster Machines and lots of apps) so I would definitely make sure my phone and iPad were completely charged for him to watch or play. In February, I flew with just Alexa who was 11 months at the time and she was SUPER busy and would not stop moving so I would be more worried about her the next flight since I would be holding her. And she is not into electronics at all so it would be more of a challenge to keep her entertained. But on the other hand, maybe my kids would keep each other entertained. I would probably lather some lavender scented lotion on them to help calm them and give them special treats (like chocolate milk) that we don't normally give them.

If you are considering this, only you know if you can do this without freaking out. You just have to take deep breaths and remember that the plane ride won't last forever and your final destination is going to be worth it. If you have any questions, I'd love to help in any way I can.

Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Flying Alone with Two Under Two - Part 1

That title alone should scare off anyone but if it doesn't, continue reading. I recently had the opportunity to fly back home to Lancaster, PA (via the Baltimore Washington Airport). OK, it was actually almost a year ago but it has taken this long to write this blog post. The only catch for the free ride was that I would have to fly back home to Memphis by myself. With my 22 month old. And my 4 month old.

Since I've been back, dozens of people have asked how I did it. Just kidding. No one has but I'm going to share my experience and what I've learned and some tips and tricks regardless. My mom very graciously paid for a ticket for myself to fly up to see her and see my family and friends. Since I have two kids under two, she would have had to pay for two tickets so she suggested having someone fly up to PA with me so I could have help with my kids. So my husband flew up with me. He flew back home to Memphis within 48 hours since he had to go back to work. On the flight to BWI, I was in charge of our 4 month old and my husband was in charge of our 22 month old. Luckily on the flight up, my husband, Troy, was able to snag another seat for our toddler since we flew Southwest and he didn't have to hold him the entire time. The flight there went fabulously. We really couldn't have asked for any better scenario.

I was in PA for 15 days before flying back home to Memphis. Prior to the trip, I googled "flying alone with two kids." It was pretty much crickets on the Internet. The little that I did find was discouraging. In fact, one mom blog said to NEVER fly alone with two kids unless you had help. I quickly ignored her opinion and gave up on the mom bloggers. Where were the moms on the Internet that accomplished this feat? Were they scarred for life? Did they even exist? Did they not live to tell about it?

Nevertheless, I was up for the challenge. As you can already guess, this post will be lengthy but if you're flying soon or considering it, I invite you to take the trek through this post. The first post will be my experience and the second will be my advice.

First, I tried to plan the flights were we would be back on the ground before bedtime. Our 4 month old, Alexa, sleeps whenever and wherever so I wasn't worried about her. Our 22 month old, Judah's, naps are sporadic so I tried my best to schedule it around his nap since I was almost 100% certain he wouldn't sleep on the plane (too much excitement).

Next, I decided on whether or not to bring my double stroller or to bring an umbrella stroller (much more lightweight and easier to fold and deal with) and baby wrap my newborn with a Moby wrap. I thought for sure I was going to use the latter. But I had a test run around our neighborhood of me with my newborn in a baby carrier and my toddler in the umbrella stroller without the luggage. It was miserable. I spoke with a friend back home, Darla, who flew with her two kids and she highly recommended bringing the double stroller and that's what I decided on (plus, the stroller I have can fit infant car seats so that was nice too).

I tried to pack as little as possible. My mom had tons of outfits and diapers waiting for me at home along with a Pack 'n Play for Judah and we borrowed a Rock 'n Play bed for Alexa (from Darla again). Darla also offered up her extra convertable car seat that we could use for Judah while we were in town so I didn't have to lug ours around the airport (everyone needs a friend like Darla). I brought a backpack with as little as I could bring but I packed it full (contents will be in part 2).

My dad and sister drove to the airport with me and the bambinos. Both kids fell asleep almost right before we got to the airport so that was not the best. My dad dropped me and the kids off alongside the gate and my sister got out to help us get through security. We strapped the kids in the double stroller and got checked in to receive our tickets and check our bags (I wanted to walk on the airplane with as little as possible). My sister let me use the bathroom (all by myself) while she watched the kids then we got in the security line. My sister helped me until the last possible minute (which was right before going through security). It was so nice to have someone help me even if it was the smallest thing. Thanks sis!

Going through security was the most stressful part. I had to take my bag of liquids & iPad out, take off my shoes, take apart and breakdown my stroller while managing two kids. One of the TSA officers asked if my (double) stroller (it's 40+ pounds, sir) would fit through their little scanner. WHAT?! How would I know that?! And I had TWO kids. Did they not see my TWO children? Luckily, one nice TSA man helped me with my stroller and walked Judah through the scanner. They also were nicer on me and I could just walk through a scanner instead of raising my hands over my head like they do now in that super hi tech x-ray type machine. After I got through security, I sighed a big sigh of relief. I packed up my stuff and headed to my gate. I made sure I knew where my gate was before I went to Auntie Anne's to grab a quick lunch. I was not risking that me and my 1 year old would be hangry. We grabbed our lunch and I headed to find a family bathroom. I nursed my baby and changed both kids' diapers. Then I put my Moby wrap on and put my daughter in.

Now, this may not sound like it would take up a lot of time but it did. By this time, I headed to the gate and it was time to board. I got to board early since I had small kids. At the end of the runway, I had to check my double stroller and infant car seat. This was difficult since I was wearing one child and trying to control another. Luckily, a nice flight attendant helped me.

We boarded the plane and I got an aisle seat while my son had the middle seat and a very nice woman had the window seat. I buckled my son in and had to ask a flight attendant to buckle me in since I couldn't see because I had my bambino strapped to me.

The flight for the most part went well. It was about 2 1/2 hours long. My baby slept and was super comfy in the wrap. The nice lady by the window was very kind and helped me and was totally cool with Judah touching her from time to time and she opened up the window for him to look out from time to time. Towards the end of the flight, my baby was getting fussy and my toddler was getting anxious. I tried to give him lots of snacks and he started throwing them on the floor and by that time, I really didn't care. He also did NOT want to sit down. By this time, my baby was hungry so I bottle-fed her while trying to distract my toddler. It was tough and I had to take a few deep breaths and tell myself that it was all going to be over soon. He was really content to play with the on flight magazines and tray table for most of the flight. I got my iPad out for him to watch something but he was not interested.

The landing couldn't come soon enough. We packed up our things (sorry for all the goldfish on the floor, Southwest) and headed out. I stayed at the end of the runway to get my stroller but they told me I was going to have to wait back at the gate! I was stressed by this time. They finally rolled my double stroller out to me and they said they couldn't find my infant car seat. I was trying not to freak out. I had to put the kids in the stroller without the car seat and head to baggage claim to try to find it.

My husband met me inside and helped me collect our bags at baggage claim and luckily our car seat showed up too! Then, I practically ran out of there.

Overall, the experience was very positive. Towards the end of the flight, my toddler got very anxious especially when he was told to sit and put his beloved tray table up but nevertheless, we got through it.

I would do it again... I think. Maybe. If you are thinking about it, you can do it! Having both kids in diapers was a plus since I didn't have to run to the bathroom every time my toddler had to pee. And my daughter was very young and she was very content to sleep and just be cuddled up by my side. She didn't need to be entertained. Neither had any blow outs, major tantrums or super hyper moments.

Check in tomorrow for my tips and advice on flying alone with two under two.